Whiskey Glasses and Christmas Lights AKA Own Up to Your $h*t and Do Better

Several years ago, and by several, I mean probably closer to two or more decades, my dad was let go from his job. I remember him sitting in our living room looking through a glass of whiskey at the Christmas lights on the tree. It was a blow he had maybe seen coming, but it was very fresh and the worry of his wife’s tuition for college, care of four kids, a mortgage, and incoming bills sat heavily on his shoulders. He had busted his way from pretty much poverty level by working nights in a factory/truck driver/construction worker, while at the same time raising a family of four small children, taking night courses in college with no external financial help, to finally reaching his goal of a corporate engineering job. It had given a small amount of reprieve on finances and now had abruptly come to a standstill.

Outside of having several dependents and just general adulting, if I were a betting person (I totally am), I would say ego also played a bit into the equation. Being fired adds a bit of indignity to a situation and while most would spend their time spewing venom on their former bosses going over all the times they butted heads, my dad didn’t. Now I am not saying he didn’t do that in his mind as he contemplated the tree, but what he said after the whiskey fueled pity-party he allowed himself that night is what stands out and shaped the way I started thinking later as an adult. He said, “Christun, in every argument there is a percentage that is your fault, no matter how minor it is, you are still responsible for what you screwed up, you have to own up to it and correct it.”

TCB Boxing and MMA where I currently train has a past reputation and it’s not pretty. When I first started I was enlightened by the many rumors swirling about the gym. Some people were genuinely concerned for me and my family, some interested in the truth, and others just wanting to hen peck. I kept going because the things described were not anything I had witnessed in the group of people there, in fact quite the opposite. Honestly TCB was the reason I started Jiu Jitsu in the first place. Aaron showed genuine concern for me when leaving for my first ECQC and wanted to make sure I knew a few groundwork things before I left. I begrudgingly let him show me a couple moves, he was right, I ate humble pie, and here we are.

Over the months I noticed general issues that plague every gym but nothing alarming in any way. What I did witness was a constant drive from leaders there to be a better human and a giving of time, money, and effort to those that couldn’t afford it that went above and beyond anything I have seen in other places. Does this mean that the rumors were wrong? I have no idea, I honestly don’t even care, but even if they were true the fact that it has evolved, those in leadership evolved, are enough for me to be ecstatic that there is growth. So many places stay stagnant, stuck in their ego driven mind set. Metaphorically speaking, they get fired in life, talk trash about all the things a former boss did without examining their own faults, and instead of being better, they end up bitter.

I recently overheard a conversation at a local MMA match where our team was competing. A girl from TCB corrected another from our group who said a rather unsportsmanlike thing to a fan of our team members opponent. This girl very quickly turned around and stated. “That is not who TCB is.” I relished in that. So even if the rumors were true then, that’s not who we are now. We must allow room for growth, a way to become better. In the words I heard recently from Raul Martinez, “We must own up to our $h*t and do better.”

Punch face is a volatile world. MMA/Jiu Jitsu/Muay Thai/Boxing all of it is a high emotive, easily ego’ed atmosphere where you must give yourself and those around you grace to become better. And by better, I mean humbled. And really nothing is more humbling than getting a good safe beat down. You are going to lose, some days will just suck, you are going to screw up, hell you are likely going to be the person that loses control and is unsafe that day that everyone talks about. Learn from it and keep going. Own up to it and keep coming. Because when you rise out of the ashes of your screwup that’s where the settling in of what you have been learning will take place and the growth from that is exponential.

Gym atmosphere can be tension filled, it’s a melting pot of ages and people at different places in their life, all with different goals, with different backgrounds, different experiences and then you throw them together to hit things. It is inevitable that there will be someone or multiple someone’s who will make a bad call, decision, have bad temperament, snap at another person, and piss multiple people off. I feel everyone does this at some point in time in martial arts especially if you are using it as a lifeline. You mess up, roll too hard, lose control, get mad at yourself, but end up taking it out on those around you. Another flip side may be that you are new, you don’t fully understand what is being asked, you don’t want to look stupid or weak, and if you are honest with yourself maybe a little intimidated and feel you have something to prove. You do something stupid, may not know the correct speed, or how hard to apply anything. There is a reason people talk about how it sucks to roll with white belts and it’s because of the lack of control and honestly just a lack of understanding in what you are even doing. You screw up, get embarrassed; you aren’t alone, most everyone there has done it, own up to it, learn, and be better.

When Ryan and I first got married I remember reading an article by a teacher that taught her students how to apologize. Coming from a family with three younger brothers, we brushed things under the rug and went back to playing. There was absolutely no concept of an apology unless mom made us and it was a super begrudging, “sorry,” with an eye roll and a huff. Later with adult relationships it turned into an, “I am sorry, but if you hadn’t of done this…..” Yeah, not a true apology when you are blaming your actions on someone else. Only you can own up to your mistakes. This teacher broke it down into four steps that I taught my kiddos and we use in our home. And trust me the adults are not above this, I have had to apologize to my kids multiple times and if I don’t use the format, it ain’t real. The steps go as followed:

1) I am sorry for… (Explain in detail what you screwed up)
2) This is wrong because… (Understand fully what you are apologizing for and state why)
3) In the future I will not do this anymore.
4) Will you please forgive me?

The apology is not for you, you are the one who messed up. You aren’t apologizing to absolve your own guilt; you are apologizing because you genuinely hurt the other person and want to make it better. Their reaction has nothing to do with your apology, they may still be hurt. Allow them their anger and processing. I see so many times where someone apologizes and then gets mad that the person is still upset, that’s not true remorse. The best apology is changed behavior. Own up to what you did, apologize, and do better.

Even if you are only two percent at fault, you are still responsible for your own actions. Own up. Expect nothing in return when apologizing because again, this is about your part and only you can control yourself and how you become better at life.

Now for the second part of what it means to be part of a community, especially a high emotive environment. Those that witness these moments of failure in others, give the grace. Understand you don’t know what the other person is fighting and when they take that hard, somewhat shameful, but brave step to come back, accept with open arms because you aren’t above screwing up either. Training ebbs and flows. I always joke that with weekend courses I will always have one awesome day and then know the next is not going to be so great. Same in the gym, I can be spot on with my kicks, punches, feeling on cloud nine with my progression and then boom, I suck. Work through the suck, help others work through their suck by moving forward positively.

We must be able to be better versions of our past self, we must allow growth for ourselves and those around us. That is unity and that is team. “Own up to your $h*t and do better,” is basically just a more raw, cliff notes version of what my dad said to me 20ish years ago. It rang true then, it rings true now.

TCB Boxing/MMA Aaron Kimball

#ownupdobetter #4pointapology #youarentaboveit #doright #punchface #behumbled #givethegrace #everyonemessesup #theapologyisnotforyou #gymlife #tcb #tcbfambam #tcbarmy #growth #christmaslightsandwhiskeyglasses #lifelessonsfrommydad #theymakemeshadowbox

---